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Song for whoever
By Wolfie | March 5, 2008
Dawn. Debbie. Michelle. Samantha. Susan. Melissa. Nicky. Tracy. Sue. Lisa. Jo. Sam.
One of my favourite songs is Song for Whoever by Beautiful South - you know, the one where he lists all the girls names and thanks them for their inspiration. Whenever I hear it (it just popped up on Party Shuffle) I mentally make my own list. Sadly, it’s not a very long list, and truth be told most of the names on it are just wishful thinking. (Which puts me in mind of the scene from Four Weddings where Charles has to admit that he’s only slept with nine people - oh, that it had got as high as nine!)
I never have been any good in social situations. I’m basically shy and if put into a room full of people that I don’t know, I’ll sit in the corner and only speak when spoken to. I’ve always been that way and I’m not sure why. Perhaps because when I was very small - before I started school - when I went with my Mum to her various jobs I had to sit and be quiet, or perhaps because as I grew up and became taller than all my friends, I figured that by being quiet I wouldn’t stand out so much. Or perhaps some other reason.
Whatever the explanation, I’m no good at talking to people I don’t know. I don’t do small talk; I’ve tried and it doesn’t come out right (I can tell by their faces). I’ve sort of come to accept that this is just the way I am, but sometimes it still rankles. I’m knocking on the door of 40 and yet, confronted with a woman I don’t know the best I can do is a mumbled “Hello”. Why is that? By now I should have been able to put the shyness behind me and just be myself - because I don’t think that shy is really who I am. As those whom I am lucky enough to call friends can probably attest, I can be large and loud and completely inappropriate without any provocation - usually, I’m sure, to the consternation of all those present.
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I walked away from this post for about an hour, while I watched something mindless on TV and coming back to it, I’m not really sure where I was going with it. I’m tempted to delete it, but I’m going to put it up there for now and think about it.
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:: brightfeather had this to say:
Being open, thoughtful and gut wrenchingly honest about who we are and where we are coming from is always a good thing. That’s why I’m so glad that you didn’t delete this post.
The first messages sent and received in any relationship is ‘psssst, pay attention to me’. I imagine that in social situations with other men that you do not know that you can find probably find enough common ground (sports, leisure activities, politics, etc.) to become noticed, respected and well liked through social chit chat. But I know from my own experience that discussing the same superficial subjects with women can be a conversation killer, for sure.
We are culturally programmed to believe that we ought to seek mates who like exactly the same things as we like. We find it oh so easy to like people who reflect our own stuff back to us when we speak of music, art and sports and yada, yada, yada. But it isn’t these shared “likes” that create a bond between men and women. The bond is created at the level of heart and mind through the meeting of our souls.
Although I do not believe in the model of a Christian God, I know the soul is the magnetic energy of unity. It attracts other souls. Yet, our cultural programming demands we seek and find common ground on superficialities like appearance and leisure interests, before we recognize the other as an individual, let alone, as a possible “soul mate”.
This is nonsensical because the first impressions we make are frequently distortions of who we are and our behavior when nervous or fearful can alienate rather than attract. To go beyond the distortions, to see through masks and to see and hear the essential invitation to connection, regardless of what the behavior is, we need to be open, perceptive and intuitive. This initial stage of contact is about valuing or validating one’s own uniqueness and the uniqueness of the other at the same time. It demands attention to individuality and that’s a very scary proposition for anyone who has learned to label “fear” with the more socially acceptable term “shyness”. .
* We use all the information our senses supply our brains with to take notice of how someone is different and unique. This allows us to acknowledge their abilities, efforts, skills and talents.
* But it’s from a spiritual level, from our soul that we notice how someone is beautiful and it’s their differences from us, their uniqueness that reveals that beauty to us.
* Only when we are open, perceptive and intuitive that can we see deeper. - deep enough for our souls can appreciate that their efforts to communicate with us come from their heart.
At a deeper level beyond ‘psst pay attention to me’ the soul emits the message: ‘Love me!’ Once we have the other’s full attention, this is the next message we can hear.
11:34 pm :: March 5th, 2008