The first messages sent and received in any relationship is ‘psssst, pay attention to me’. I imagine that in social situations with other men that you do not know that you can find probably find enough common ground (sports, leisure activities, politics, etc.) to become noticed, respected and well liked through social chit chat. But I know from my own experience that discussing the same superficial subjects with women can be a conversation killer, for sure.

We are culturally programmed to believe that we ought to seek mates who like exactly the same things as we like. We find it oh so easy to like people who reflect our own stuff back to us when we speak of music, art and sports and yada, yada, yada. But it isn’t these shared “likes” that create a bond between men and women. The bond is created at the level of heart and mind through the meeting of our souls.

Although I do not believe in the model of a Christian God, I know the soul is the magnetic energy of unity. It attracts other souls. Yet, our cultural programming demands we seek and find common ground on superficialities like appearance and leisure interests, before we recognize the other as an individual, let alone, as a possible “soul mate”.

This is nonsensical because the first impressions we make are frequently distortions of who we are and our behavior when nervous or fearful can alienate rather than attract. To go beyond the distortions, to see through masks and to see and hear the essential invitation to connection, regardless of what the behavior is, we need to be open, perceptive and intuitive. This initial stage of contact is about valuing or validating one’s own uniqueness and the uniqueness of the other at the same time. It demands attention to individuality and that’s a very scary proposition for anyone who has learned to label “fear” with the more socially acceptable term “shyness”. .

* We use all the information our senses supply our brains with to take notice of how someone is different and unique. This allows us to acknowledge their abilities, efforts, skills and talents.

* But it’s from a spiritual level, from our soul that we notice how someone is beautiful and it’s their differences from us, their uniqueness that reveals that beauty to us.

* Only when we are open, perceptive and intuitive that can we see deeper. - deep enough for our souls can appreciate that their efforts to communicate with us come from their heart.

At a deeper level beyond ‘psst pay attention to me’ the soul emits the message: ‘Love me!’ Once we have the other’s full attention, this is the next message we can hear.