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Suicide is painless?
I’ve got a bit of a reputation as not being the most cheerful or tolerant of people, and that’s probably well deserved. But I can be quite happy and out-going on occasion. It has been known, honest.
But I’m not the the cheeriest of people and sometimes I get really down in the dumps. I hesitate to call it depression, because that word - to me - is associated with people who just can’t function when it has them in its grip. Depression is an illness; what I get is more a mood. Not a good one, but a mood none the less, and I can continue to go about my daily routine.
I can go for months and feel fine, then (usually without warning) I’ll get that feeling where everything is too much trouble and I really can’t see the point of doing anything. Around these times, which can last a few hours or a few days, I’ll drink too much, I won’t eat properly, I’ll not bother about showers or any of that sort of thing and I’ll become pre-occupied with death.
Not necessarily my death, but just death in general. I’ll read all the news stories that deal with people being killed, I’ll re-read books that have lots of death in them, I’ll think about people that I have known and the ways in which they died. And, sometimes, I’ll think about my own death.
I’ve always harboured a desire to die at a great age, surrounded by a large and loving family. At the same time, I’ve always wanted to die in some heroic manner - rescuing the damsel in distress, or taking the bullet meant for someone else. The third side of the triangle is that I’ve long thought about the best way of killing yourself.
It’s not that I actively think about killing myself, but sometimes I do think about what would be the best way. Should it be the knife? But then, what about the pain? I’m not sure I’d have the fortitude to keep going through the pain of the initial cuts, to the point where it would be effective. Pills then. But pills are so unsure; what if you take just enough that you end up having your stomach pumped, or get gastro-intestinal bleeding? Yuck. Gun? That’s out; this is the UK - guns are hard to come by. That only leaves the high jump and guess what? I’m afraid of heights, even though the most popular high jump suicide spot in the country is just up the road.
Some people see suicide as the cowards way out, and I can see that point of view. Face up to your problems, don’t run away from them. Other people see suicide as very brave, and I can see that point of view as well. Go through the final, greatest pain knowing that you’ll be free of it when you break through to the other side. Religious types see it as a sin, but I never was religious. Is it a weakness, a failure? Maybe, or is it your life’s greatest achievement? The final and incontrovertible assertion of your own will, not kow-towing to what anyone else demands of you.
When I was a teenager, I made a vow to myself; I would never see my 60th birthday. I’m 40 this year, so that means I’ve only got 20 years to go.
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I get these posts, sometimes; I start with a particular thing in mind that I want to say, and then I get side-tracked. When I re-read what I’ve written, I realise I’ve only got a small part of what I wanted to say across. By then, of course, it’s published and I leave it up for the world to see. This post is one of those - I haven’t really put down in writing what’s in my head, but that’s probably because I can’t really make sense of what’s in my head at the moment. I’ll think on it some more and may update this post later.
Comments
7 Responses to “Suicide is painless?”
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I am glad that you let the world see this one. Google saw it and told me about it via an alert. I need to get back in the habit of reading all the blog alerts for suicide. I am almost always drawn in by the writing. Your writing is very frank, which I find compelling.
It comes from knowing, maybe too well, what it feels like to think about ending my own life, just over a decade ago.
Thank you for sharing,
Frank
Hey, man. I’m only 17 and I feel pretty much exactly like you do in every way. Except the drinking part. But lately (the past 2 weeks or so) I’ve been kind of obsessing (again) and I’ve thought out every way of killing myself and I couldn’t come up with anything that I would have the guts to follow through with besides jumping or hanging after jumping off of something. I’m not afraid of heights, but I don’t live near ANYTHING more than 3 stories tall. So I’m kind of outta luck. I’ve come inches and seconds away from committing suicide 3 times now. And I was going to do it again tonight, belive it or not. It’s just good to know that others feel exactly the way you do. And I hate calling it “committing suicide”. I don’t know why, I just don’t like how it sounds as opposed to how I think of it. And I think you feel the same way. Maybe. I don’t know. Anyway, maybe I’ll comment here again sometime. If I’m ever up late again and want something interesting and worth reading…
Hi Wolf,
I let this sit here for awhile before responding of it. The long and short of this is that you are an intelligent man and you know that the symptoms you report above are classical symptoms of depression. Granted, you do not want to call it by that name because you are in a state of denial. You are self-medicating with a depressive substance - beer. What more need I say? You will either stop bull shitting yourself and get the help you need or you won’t. Nothing I say on the subject will matter a whit so all I can do is send you my best wishes for a sudden fall and speedy recovery.
[...] Suicide is painless? [...]
[...] is painless? When you first wrote about suicide I was loathe to say a word. I knew that your symptoms were indicative of depression. I was so upset [...]
Dear Wolf,
My name is Mitchell and I am 18. Your letter has nearly described my exact feelings and mind set, although I can not say that I am as depressed as you, it’s more that we both fantasize about our own suicides and the different points of views on the subject. I greatly appreciate you writing this letter, as it has given me a somewhat adequate feeling of closure that I am not the only one who thinks as I do. The power of free-will has been by far my greatest reason to commit suicide, however so few would understand my reasoning behind it writing a suicide note would be like writing a book haha…but anyways, I often fantasize that being hung would be my favorite form of suicide, quick, moderately painless, and theres just something old school about it that peeks my interest. Should I ever not be up to it I would have to say nitrogen asphyxiation is my number two choice. Perhaps those two options will help in finding a way to either ending your life, or starting another chapter to it. Wolf, I thank you for sharing your thoughts and wish you the best of luck on your 60th birthday.
@Mitchell:
Hey there Mitchell. Thanks for your comment.
I’m beginning to regret having written this post because it seems to have been taken as some sort of ‘call to death’ by a number of people - generally youngsters like yourself. You really should give life a chance before deciding that you’ve had enough of it. 18 is no age at all - and at that age, you have the opportunity to change anything you don’t like. There’s nothing so bad that it can’t be overcome.
Let me put you straight - hanging yourself is not “quick” or “moderately painless”. It’s a long, slow, painful death and you’ll regret the attempt just at the point when it becomes too late to save yourself. Any form of asphyxiation is to be avoided, too.
If you want to waste your life pointlessly, join the Army and get yourself posted to Iraq!