Bipolar anyone?
I wrote a series of posts a little while ago that touched on the subjects of depression and suicide. They didn’t make for particularly uplifting reading, but they seemed to touch a nerve with a number of people and I got a number of comments about them.
I mention them again because one of the comments indicated that, while I was reluctant to call what I felt “depression”, it actually was. I was unsure at the time whether I agreed with that and let the comment pass without replying to it. I’m re-thinking that position now because of the way that I’ve been feeling over the last couple of days.
It’s not easy for me to talk about or describe my feelings. There are several reasons for this; chief amongst them are the fact that I’m fairly emotionally closed off and (to make it worse) my writing skills let me down; I get part of the idea across and then I lose my thread. I never was a good communicator.
I’m also generally reluctant to stand up and say that I have a particular health problem. Part of me sees it as weakness, part of me sees it as whinging or being histrionic (”It’s just a cold; you’re not dying”) and part of me just doesn’t believe it. I’m also acutely aware of what I think people that know me will say (”Don’t be such a twat” and things of that ilk, usually).
But having so recently been writing about and examining being on the downswing, I’ve become aware of my emotional state more than ever before in my life. Which is why over the last couple of days I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling really, really hyper - definitely on the upswing. I’m not sure if anyone else around me has noticed it, but I’ve been generally in a much better mood, with bursts of total synapse overload, which have lead to complete and utter inane wittering, the need to just move about - swinging my arms, dancing, anything - and an overall feeling of happiness.
It’s definitely a good feeling, but I’m not sure what it means.
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