Bipolar anyone?
I wrote a series of posts a little while ago that touched on the subjects of depression and suicide. They didn’t make for particularly uplifting reading, but they seemed to touch a nerve with a number of people and I got a number of comments about them.
I mention them again because one of the comments indicated that, while I was reluctant to call what I felt “depression”, it actually was. I was unsure at the time whether I agreed with that and let the comment pass without replying to it. I’m re-thinking that position now because of the way that I’ve been feeling over the last couple of days.
It’s not easy for me to talk about or describe my feelings. There are several reasons for this; chief amongst them are the fact that I’m fairly emotionally closed off and (to make it worse) my writing skills let me down; I get part of the idea across and then I lose my thread. I never was a good communicator.
I’m also generally reluctant to stand up and say that I have a particular health problem. Part of me sees it as weakness, part of me sees it as whinging or being histrionic (“It’s just a cold; you’re not dying”) and part of me just doesn’t believe it. I’m also acutely aware of what I think people that know me will say (“Don’t be such a twat” and things of that ilk, usually).
But having so recently been writing about and examining being on the downswing, I’ve become aware of my emotional state more than ever before in my life. Which is why over the last couple of days I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling really, really hyper – definitely on the upswing. I’m not sure if anyone else around me has noticed it, but I’ve been generally in a much better mood, with bursts of total synapse overload, which have lead to complete and utter inane wittering, the need to just move about – swinging my arms, dancing, anything – and an overall feeling of happiness.
It’s definitely a good feeling, but I’m not sure what it means.
Serious Stuff
A couple of days ago, I wrote Suicide is Painless?, when I was particularly down in the dumps. It was one of those posts that I was in two minds about posting, but clicked the “Publish” button before I could think about it too much. I’m glad I did, because it seems to have struck a chord with some people and I’m grateful that I’ve made that level of connection.
But at the same time, it’s a little disturbing. This is serious stuff; attempted suicide is very prevalent amongst young people, and for that reason, I wanted to do a follow-up post to respond to a couple of comments that I’ve had and to perhaps give a better view of my perspective on the subject.
First, my perspective. I’ve never seriously considered ending my life, although I’ve known people that have tried and one person that succeeded. Every now and then my mind will toy with various ways that it might be done, but I’ve never actually set out to do it. I’ve never seen it as a sin, as those religious types do; to me, it’s a statement. What that statement might be, though, very much depends on the person involved. For some it might be a statement of resignation: “That’s it, I quit”. For others, it might be a message aimed at one particular person: “Look what you made me do”. For still others, it might be something as simple as “OK. Bored now. What’s next?”.
We can argue back and forwards for ever as to whether suicide is the coward’s way out or a very brave thing to do and either view could be correct. I think it takes a lot of bravery to actually go through with it, but what brings a person to that point may be their wish to run away from what the world is throwing at them.
In the comments to Suicide is Painless?, Anonymous said:
I’m only 17 and I feel pretty much exactly like you do in every way… I’ve come inches and seconds away from committing suicide 3 times now. And I was going to do it again tonight, believe it or not. It’s just good to know that others feel exactly the way you do
which I found quite disturbing. Here’s a person who – at only 17 – has already tried to kill themselves three times. 17 is no age at all; at 17 you should be full of the joys of life, eager to get out there and sock it to the world. It should be a time of discovery, learning and happiness. It shouldn’t be a time when you’re looking around for a high building to throw yourself off.
You can always find bad in the world – you don’t even need to look too hard these days – and you can always feel like things are never going to get better, if you let yourself. But you can also always find good in the world – although you might have to look a bit harder – and the troubles of the world are not yours to worry about (unless you are George W. Bush, in which case yes, it is all your fault). No matter how down you might feel, no matter how desperate your situation is, you can find something to be thankful for. Hold onto it and keep the thought of it with you at all times, and remind yourself of it when times get bad. Ignore the troubles of the wider world and concentrate on making your own world better.
If you don’t feel you can do it by yourself, ask for help. And keep asking until you get it. The first person you ask may not want to know, or may not be able to help. Move on to the next. And so on. If you can’ find someone in the real world, well one of the great advantages of the Net is that it puts you in instant contact with millions of people.
This hasn’t, perhaps, been the most cheerful series of posts and not necessarily what The New Wolfs Howl would normally provide. My apologies for that, but I think (hope) that it has been worthwhile for at least some of you. I don’t think that I have still really got a handle on my thoughts about it but I feel that I’ve at least started to show you where I’m coming from.
Suicide is painless?
I’ve got a bit of a reputation as not being the most cheerful or tolerant of people, and that’s probably well deserved. But I can be quite happy and out-going on occasion. It has been known, honest.
But I’m not the the cheeriest of people and sometimes I get really down in the dumps. I hesitate to call it depression, because that word – to me – is associated with people who just can’t function when it has them in its grip. Depression is an illness; what I get is more a mood. Not a good one, but a mood none the less, and I can continue to go about my daily routine.
I can go for months and feel fine, then (usually without warning) I’ll get that feeling where everything is too much trouble and I really can’t see the point of doing anything. Around these times, which can last a few hours or a few days, I’ll drink too much, I won’t eat properly, I’ll not bother about showers or any of that sort of thing and I’ll become pre-occupied with death.
Not necessarily my death, but just death in general. I’ll read all the news stories that deal with people being killed, I’ll re-read books that have lots of death in them, I’ll think about people that I have known and the ways in which they died. And, sometimes, I’ll think about my own death.
I’ve always harboured a desire to die at a great age, surrounded by a large and loving family. At the same time, I’ve always wanted to die in some heroic manner – rescuing the damsel in distress, or taking the bullet meant for someone else. The third side of the triangle is that I’ve long thought about the best way of killing yourself.
It’s not that I actively think about killing myself, but sometimes I do think about what would be the best way. Should it be the knife? But then, what about the pain? I’m not sure I’d have the fortitude to keep going through the pain of the initial cuts, to the point where it would be effective. Pills then. But pills are so unsure; what if you take just enough that you end up having your stomach pumped, or get gastro-intestinal bleeding? Yuck. Gun? That’s out; this is the UK – guns are hard to come by. That only leaves the high jump and guess what? I’m afraid of heights, even though the most popular high jump suicide spot in the country is just up the road.
Some people see suicide as the cowards way out, and I can see that point of view. Face up to your problems, don’t run away from them. Other people see suicide as very brave, and I can see that point of view as well. Go through the final, greatest pain knowing that you’ll be free of it when you break through to the other side. Religious types see it as a sin, but I never was religious. Is it a weakness, a failure? Maybe, or is it your life’s greatest achievement? The final and incontrovertible assertion of your own will, not kow-towing to what anyone else demands of you.
When I was a teenager, I made a vow to myself; I would never see my 60th birthday. I’m 40 this year, so that means I’ve only got 20 years to go.
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I get these posts, sometimes; I start with a particular thing in mind that I want to say, and then I get side-tracked. When I re-read what I’ve written, I realise I’ve only got a small part of what I wanted to say across. By then, of course, it’s published and I leave it up for the world to see. This post is one of those – I haven’t really put down in writing what’s in my head, but that’s probably because I can’t really make sense of what’s in my head at the moment. I’ll think on it some more and may update this post later.
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Update 3 January 2009: I’ve been having a bit of a spring clean and a tidy up on The New Wolfs Howl, seeing as it’s a new year, and as part of that process I’ve been re-reading some of my old posts. I hadn’t read this one – which is the third most popular Wolfs Howl post of all time – since I wrote it back in March 2008 and reading it now I can’t recognise myself in the words I’m seeing.
My circumstances have changed since I wrote this post and I would say that I am generally much happier these days than I was a year ago, but I still can’t believe I ever got depressed enough to start talking about suicide. I’m surprised, too, that the post has become so popular and that (based on the comments I’ve had) people seem to be regarding it as some sort of death call. I’ve had people asking me for advice on the best way to kill themselves, or telling me how they think about killing themselves all the time.
It worries me that one post, written ‘out of the blue’ and unrelated to anything else I’ve written, can have such an impact and be seen as some sort of approval of people’s desire to end their lives. After all this time, I’m not sure what I was trying to say or achieve with this post, but sitting here now I can quite categorically say that I do not in any way recommend attempting to take your own life – there is nothing so bad that it cannot be borne, nothing so bad that it cannot be changed. If you feel that everything has got too much to bear, you need to take positive action to change your life for the better; don’t take negative action to end it.
Wolfs Helpers
