He said, she said…
He said: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don’t you?
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That’s a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said: They don’t have time
He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don’t know; it has never happened.
She said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
He said: They already have boyfriends.
He said: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said: A widow.
He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Brief notes
After a long break, just a few things to comment on:
1. Apparently, Michael Jackson was somewhat in debt at the time of his death – perhaps as much as half a billion dollars – which makes me wonder if he’s done a John Stonehouse?
Perhaps he’s gone to live with Elvis….
2. Ok, so he was the King of Pop, but why does EVERYONE have to pay tribute to him? Watching the Wimbledon coverage today, the first thing Tim Henman and Tracy Austin had to do was to tell the world what a loss it was. Exactly what does it have to do with tennis coverage? Is the tennis so boring that you need to talk about something else?
3. After much (tedious) arguing, the Formula One Teams Association and the FIA have reached an accord. Despite everyone saying all the way through that it wasn’t about personalities, that accord includes Max Moseley’s retirement as chairman of the FIA when his current term expires in October. This is a Good Thing.
But, as he did once before, Max is now claiming that he doesn’t have to keep to the terms of the agreement because FOTA have already breached them. Basically, he’s wriggling out from under because he doesn’t want to give up control of the FIA. This is a Bad Thing, because it’s Max and his co-conspirator Bernie Ecclestone that have caused Formula One to become the sad joke that it currently is.
Poetry
Just received this by email. There was no credit attached for the author of this classic, so if you know who wrote it let me know in the comments.
I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.
I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending
A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.
I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning
I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could
The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best
The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast
What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.
The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.
In case you missed it, the Commons authorities have today published details of MPs expenses for the last four years. Apparently, because of the amount of information that’s been redacted it’s tricky to work out who has been gaming the system but it’s still clear that MPs are allowed to claim far too much on their expenses.
Safari whinge
Poor Apple. They really can’t win; when they released the Beta version of Safari 4, everyone seemed to be moaning about the Tabs on Top feature (a la Google Chrome). Various websites carried Terminal hacks to get the tabs back to their rightful position. Now that the final release of Safari 4 has the tabs in the more usual place, everyone wants them back at the top.
Personally, I hated them at the top. It seemed counter-intuitive and was a pain when you wanted to click on a tab and ended up moving the whole window. I’m glad to see the back of the feature.
Another feature that I’d be happy to see the back of, but which appears to be here to stay, is the re-positioned reload / stop button. Up until now, its been a proper button by itself, nestled nicely with the homepage button but in Safari 4, Apple have moved it to the end of the URL bar and made it a wishy-washy little icon which often gets swamped by the RSS indicator.
This seems to be one of those design changes that are made just for the sake of it. In practice, it actually makes the browser worse to use. It’s surprisingly difficult to re-educate your mouse hand to go to the right of the screen rather than the left. And even worse is the fact that the Terminal hack that worked in the Beta, and re-enabled the reload / stop button in the customise toolbar window, no longer works. So until Apple come to their senses and re-instate the button, we’re left with the only marginally better option of Cmd-R instead.
And while I’m on the subject of things that bug people about Safari, the big one for me is the Bookmarks Toolbar. Specifically, the behaviour when you go from one folder to another. In Firefox, when you have one folder expanded and you mouse over another it too is expanded. In Safari, you have to click again to get the new one to expand. Again, it’s a small thing but when it comes to browsers, it’s the small things that make all the difference and this one is one that annoys the heck out of me. So much so that periodically I have to relegate Safari to tertiary browser and use Firefox again.
So, what do you think? What’s good – or bad – about Safari 4? What features have they got wrong? Where do the other browsers beat it? Drop a comment and let me know.
SOTD #187
Today’s song is Heaven by Bryan Adams
Oh – thinking about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothing can take you away from me
We’ve been down that road before
But that’s over now
You keep me coming back for more
Baby you’re all that I want
When you’re lying here in my arms
I’m finding it hard to believe
We’re in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn’t too hard to see
We’re in heaven
Oh – once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you’re feeling down
Ya – nothing could change what you mean to me
Oh there’s lots that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way
Baby you’re all that I want
When you’re lying here in my arms
I’m finding it hard to believe
We’re in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn’t too hard to see
We’re in heaven
I’ve been waiting for so long
For something to arrive
For love to come along
Now our dreams are coming true
Through the good times and the bad
Ya – I’ll be standing there by you
Anyone watching BBC TV last night would have seen John Barrowman turning this Bryan Adams classic into just another piece of elevator muzak; while the words were still as meaningful as ever, the vocal emotion and power had gone. So I thought I’d post the original so you can find out how it’s supposed to sound.
Wolfs Helpers
